As UK allies expel diplomats and close consulates, Russia continues to deny involvement in the March poisoning of former Soviet spy Sergei Skripal and his daughter. Until now, disavowals related to novichok, the Soviet-era nerve agent allegedly used in the attack, had centered around blaming other countries. However, the newest claim raises an even more sinister possibility.

According to Russia’s latest counter accusation, one of the world’s most dangerous rogue intelligence agents may have used the dangerous nerve agent in a decades-long rivalry. “I mean, look at Sergei. His skin shines brighter than fresh snow on a sunny day. He is clearly White Spy,” observed Russian Foreign Ministry spokesman Stanislav Ozerov. “Black Spy must be behind it.” The spies faded from public view following the Cold War, but they continued their personal vendetta through commercial avenues. Black Spy reportedly carved out a role in black market weapons, which could explain access to novichok.

As with their previous denunciations, Russia claims that the UK has failed to conduct a convincing investigation. “Have they searched for any comically large bombs?” asked Ozerov. “What about inexplicably oversized bludgeons or unnecessarily elaborate traps? I think not.” Rather than focus on chemical weapons experts, Russia urged the UK to instead seek the advice of complex contraptions specialist Wile E. Coyote.