CHICAGO- Top business owners across the country demanded a collective refund today for the United States of America, citing a faulty product and false advertising at the time of their purchase.
“I was promised amber waves of grain, purple mountains majesty, fruited plains, and a docile, subjugated populace!” cried Jeff Bezos, speaking to us from his helicopter lest his feet touch the muddy earth. “Instead I got economically depressed farmers, a displaced workforce, and cities that consistently catch fire. It’s unacceptable!”
“Unacceptable!” echoed Tim Cook, his high-pitched falsetto cracking glass. “The America we purchased was one of immense power and position, with an incredible GDP and a military that scares the shit out of other nations! But there were flaws! Flaws! Flaws in design!” Cook, whose screaming was beginning to deafen others nearby, was carted away to a padded iRoom for sedation.
“The flaws of which Mr. Cook speaks are many and profound,” elaborated Mark Zuckerburg in a tone bereft of inflection. “America does not read properly. America cannot run for long periods of time. America will sometimes crash without warning, and this has begun happening with more and more frequency. America has serious vulnerabilities to viruses which have not been patched, resulting in a current infection that is being addressed unevenly. Myself and my fellow buyers would love to use America, but this product has so many developmental flaws that it is no longer reliable as an engine for profit. Execute refund request, end communication.” Facebook declined to comment on Mr. Zuckerburg’s bewildering final sentence.
Despite the pressures for a refund and demands to speak to the manager, top United States salesman Donald Trump would not make himself available for comment. All searches for him have proven fruitless, merely returning the following error: (404) Leadership Not Found.