Good afternoon again, cash kings and coin stars! Miles O’Malley here with the bi-weekly dirt on all the lines in sports. I hope the Superbowl treated you all well; I was able to pay off a few things AND have enough left over to get my laptop back from Pawn in 60 Seconds. No more public library computers for Miles! Enough about me though, let’s get to the action:
National Basketball Association
Hot Game: Cleveland at Oklahoma City (2.13)
MO: Westbrook vs. Lebron! I’m taking the Thunder here, because even though Russell pretty much hates his teammates, he’s had the season so far to find a rhythm with them. LeBron will still be getting used to the botched Mr. Potatohead doll that is the rest of his team.
Major League Baseball
Which Free Agent will be Signed Next?
J. D. Martinez: 2/3
Eric Hosmer: 2/1
Jake Arrieta: 7/2
Lorenzo Cain: 5/1
All remaining free agents form their own baseball team, featuring blackjack and hookers: 999999/1
MO: As intriguing as a thirty-first MLB team would be, this isn’t the free agent class that can pull it off. Also, my wife Sara knows that I don’t condone prostitution anymore so uh…take Hosmer.
National Hockey League
Hot Game: Tampa Bay at Washington (2.20)
MO: This is a tough one to call. The Lightning have better depth, but Washington has The Red Menace Alex Ovechkin. Normally I wouldn’t root for one so godless, but Ovi will show up for this game, meaning at least 3 points from him.
Hot Race: 2018 Daytona 500 (2.18)
Winning driver is a clean cut, soulless corporate mouthpiece: 3/5
Winning driver is an actual redneck: 10/1
Winning driver is a woman: 500/1
Winning driver is Dale Earnhardt: 2500/1
MO: It’s really hard to tell these guys apart these days, now that the southern twangs have been ironed out and they aren’t allowed to spit tabaccey on camera anymore. However one driver’s name is Bubba Wallace Jr., which makes me want to put a fin on the redneck line. Fans keep saying that you should never forget Dale Earnhardt, but he only won this race once, and that was two decades ago.
2018 Winter Olympics
Which Country will have the most Gold Medals?
United States: 4/1
Northern Water Tribe: 8/3
Grand Fenwick: 25/1
Isle of Misfit Toys: 100/1
Saint Vincent and the Grenadines: 500/1
Northern Ireland: 2500/1
MO: Keep your eye on the Northern Water Tribe. Their only major shortcoming is a lack of high-tech training equipment, but they manage to improvise really well. Canada is without their NHLstars, but they’ll probably still win the hockey tournament with the group of high schoolers they sent instead. Unfortunately for Northern Ireland, polo and heresy aren’t Olympic events; they’re out of luck here.
How Many Illigimate Children will be Born 9 Months After the Closing Ceremony?
Less than 7: 21/20
More than 8: 18/1
MO: Based on the evidence we’ve seen so far, I’d say the magic number is 9.
Studs & Duds
As mentioned Philadelphia really came through, for once. I also took the over on “number of players to attempt a pass” and was handsomely rewarded. Other studs include the inexplicably good Las Vegas Golden Knights; I’m letting that one ride. Finally the Porzingis injury virtually locks in a minuscule payday on whether or not Knicks fans will enjoy basketball before 2020 (I had “nope” at 2/11).
Now let’s look at the dud bets. Not only did Chris Collinsworth say “Now here’s a guy” less than six times during the Superbowl, he demonstrated fundamental bias on scoring plays just twice. Gronk got beat to the on-camera curse by a kicker who whiffed on a chip-shot. The Chicago Blackhawks are in that betting no-man’s land where they suck too much to make the playoffs but not enough to take the entire team apart, or reinstate Patrick Kane’s curfew. I had a big parlay riding on the outcome of the February 7th game between the Pacers and the Pelicans but since that game got rained out, I lost my bet and my third favorite watch.
Harness Racing Hot Tips
Here’s the latest scuttlebutt on the Harnessed Ones! NF Happenstance, Fox Valley Veto, Western Joe and Napolitano were the big winners, though Western Joe’s win was half because of how foggy the track was. The Meadowlands canceled four late-closer series for 3- and 4-year olds: the Walter Russell Memorial, the Donna Dunn Memorial, the Ken Weaver Memorial and the Mary Wohlmuth Memorial. Hopefully all four get rescheduled for sometime later this year. Also don’t trust Sell a Bit N’s win last Friday; it was close call and that horse is too old to pull that off again (ha ha).