PYEONGCHANG, SOUTH KOREA—Athletes only began arriving here Monday, but have wasted no time in transforming this idyllic mountain town into “a hive of lechery and sin” ahead of today’s opening ceremony, residents say. Indeed, the athletes in the Olympic Village abandoned all pretense of sexual mores as quickly as they came, according to reports.

There are no journalists allowed in the Village, but locals have described it as a “teeming sea of sweaty, writhing flesh.” Pharmacist Park Seul-ki says she sold out her birth control stocks within an hour of the Canadian team plane hitting the tarmac at Yangyang International Airport, about an hour away. “It’s nearly impossible to keep up with this demand. I’m not complaining, but don’t they know the IOC gives out free condoms?”

The streets of the area immediately surrounding the village are littered with masks, condom wrappers, yachting hats, studded leather chaps, and polyvinyl sex toys painted in various national colors. Kim Ji-hoon, who works security in the Village, said he had “seen some real Eyes Wide Shut shit, man. I never seen skis used like that, man… Kinda wish they’d let me join.”

The Sidebar has exclusively obtained an internal communique between International Olympic Committee brass that proposes “razing this new Sodom and Gomorrah the moment these Games are over with”—but IOC officials have so far refused all requests for comment.

At press time, the Italian ice dancing team had reportedly erected a 10-foot Priapic idol out of snow in the center of the Olympic Village square, as the world’s Winter Olympians continued to revel in a seemingly endless bacchanal of wine, women, and song.