BOSTON – Following the Philadelphia Eagles’s surprise victory  over the New England Patriots in Super Bowl LII, lawyers for Patriots owner Robert Kraft announced that their client is suing Satan for breach of contract. “It’s really quite simple,” stated Vincent McNulty of Daniels, McNulty, and Greggs. “In the early 2000s, my client promised his eternal soul to the Prince of Darkness in exchange for 10 Super Bowl victories. They were to be spaced apart as to not arouse suspicion, but Super Bowl LII was scheduled to be another surprise come-from-behind victory to garner more underdog sentimentality.  Lucifer not living up to his end of the bargain is inexcusable”

Several hours later, Satan announced his own counter-suit against Kraft. “When we looked into it, we discovered he doesn’t even have a soul!” the Devil roared. “I gave him five Super Bowl victories, and he’s giving me nothing. So they were on their own this year, and it showed.” In a related story, Satan is mired in a suit with Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslam, whose contractual terms of one winning season is proving “too difficult to fulfill.”