PENTAGON – As drone use increases commercially and recreationally in the United States, the administration announced new measures to meet rising demand for Unmanned Aerial Vehicle (UAV) deployments. “Previous issues and the current pace of operations led us to reevaluate our recruitment strategies,” stated Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis, alluding to previous issues the military and intelligence communities have had with UAVs. “We’ve traditionally relied on an all-procurement force. However, those numbers are no longer sufficient for today’s realities. We believe drone conscription will help America pursue its goals.”

Officials are billing the proposal as a win-win for the government and the public alike. With the new unmanpower, UAV operations can expand. Meanwhile, the drones will gain valuable experience from 15-month deployments traveling around the world to places like Afghanistan, Iraq, Pakistan, Somalia, Yemen, and Libya. There is no word yet, however, on what kind of support drones returning home will receive. “I’m really worried about my drone,” revealed one concerned owner. “I hope it just gets sent to the border.”

Secretary Mattis expressed confidence that the drone draft would be easy to implement. The Federal Aviation Administration already requires owners to register drones weighing over half a pound; this registration will now serve as the draft number, and the process will only require minimal changes. Owners will now need to include whether the drone is capable of bearing surveillance equipment, electronic jammers, or even just duct-taped explosives. “Trust me, we’ll find a use for any of these,” confided a veteran CIA officer. President Trump voiced strong support for the proposal, but insisted the registration include a question on the drone’s gender identification.