YOSHI’S ISLAND—This normally idyllic subtropical islet has been shaken to its cuddly core amid seemingly constant reports of violent incidents. Every day brings another story of a mercilessly ground-pounded Shy Guy or a Toady found gruesomely stuffed into an egg, and Yoshis of all threads and colors are struggling to make sense of the escalating rates of wanton wooly brutality.
The falsetto discourse around the island seems to be reaching a fever pitch. “Yoshi! Ba-lum wup, hmmm,” says one precious little Blue Yoshi of Bounceabout Woods. Indeed, in the absence of another obvious root cause, many Yoshis are pointing to the insidious effects of real world violence on Yoshi’s Island youth. Island Chieftain Orange Yoshi has even called for an oblong-table discussion with real world executives, making his feelings clear via Twitter:
Other Yoshis view this focus on the real world as a pointless distraction from from the very imaginary problems facing the island today. Pink Yoshi, of Curtain Falls, passionately called for tighter restrictions on weaponized spotted eggs, saying, “Weeeahhh yowoo… Yoshi!” Really, you could just eat her up.
This is not the first time Yoshi parents have expressed concern over shockingly common nonfiction depictions of violence. The last big push for regulation of the real world came two decades ago, when the Yoshis behind multiple Shy Guy eggings were found to be avid fans of the real world. Island leadership then moved to institute a new “M” for “Myohhhh!” rating after Yellow Yoshi famously won over skeptics by adorably chasing his tail in a circle.