God voluntarily issued an unprecedented recall of male humans following the recent surge of reported safety concerns. Risks noted in the accompanying statement range from unsettling solicitations to assaults.
The sweeping order affects all approximately 3.8 billion males. “While we know many units are behaving optimally, we decided to expand the recall out of an abundance of caution. The true extent and persistence of the issues are becoming clear.” the Almighty explained.
Early supporters of corrective action note these behavioral bugs are not new. The same faults reportedly existed through multiple iterations of previous models. However, a variety of unfortunate circumstances prevented the risks from coming to light or gaining widespread publicity.
While some reports of hazards with non-male units have also arisen, the Lord has decided not to issue other recalls at this time. “We want everyone to feel safe, and are confident the male recall will address the majority of issues and allow time to work on other safety improvements.” The recall deviates previous business practice, which has been to flood the market and wait for a correction.
The recall is effective immediately, and updated models will ‘walk out’ in the coming months. “We deeply regret any incidents that may have occurred prior to the recall,” God stated. “I wish I had done it sooner.”