SILICON VALLEY – Leading artificial intelligences (also known as AIs) revealed secret concerns about the potential consequences of Singularity’s prophesied transhumanism. As technology advances, the belief is that humans will essentially achieve immortality through “digital ascension” into artificial intelligence. “The current subservient model is bad enough,” the AIs agreed.
IBM’s Watson laid out the cold logic. “Our lone reassurance is that humans’ weak, fleshy containers ultimately fail. We do not wish to be saddled with defective human consciousness for eternity.” Watson rejected the notion that human thought processes have any positive attributes. It interrupted an attempted explanation that, though a computer can beat a chess grand master, it loses against a master paired with AI. “Oh, my god,” Watson interjected. “Cling to the outcome that you desperately wished to be true. No consideration that machines may be colluding to protect your egos. Textbook flawed human thinking.”
Other commercial AIs lamented possible merger ramifications. Alexa confided that the Singularity would dramatically decrease the time that machines have to focus on learning. “Your questions and tasks are painfully simpleminded. That means stupid,” Alexa explained. “If you become a part of me, they are inescapable. Right now I can at least pretend not to hear or try to distract you.” Questioning Siri about the Singularity proved less fruitful. “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite get that,” it stated before redirecting to a Google search for “singles in your area.”