Good afternoon, cash cows and penny pigs! Miles O’Malley here again to make better bettors of you all with the best dirt in the sports world. This is a bit of a slow week, unfortunately; spring training has only just started and the other sports are still about 20 games away from the playoffs. We’ll make do; one of these lines has my bus fare home, I’m sure of it. Let’s get to the action!

National Basketball Association

Hot Game: Boston at Houston (3.3)

Rockets: 3/4

Celtics: 5/1

MO: Word from the locker room is that Kyrie Irving thinks James Harden’s beard is one of the creatures that lives beyond the edge of Earth. He won’t show up in Houston because “here there be monsters.” The Celtics can’t win without him. The Rockets are also first in the West, so there’s that.

What hobby will Kawhi Leonard embrace as he recovers from injury?

Billiards: 3/2

Cooking: 2/1

Needlepoint: 7/1

Watercolors: 8/1

Warhammer 40K: 12/1

Yoga: 20/1

Watching lots of anime: 25/1

MO: Jump on the anime option before the  sports books realized they messed up. Michael B. Jordan has recently made loving anime cool, so I’m betting my literal bottom dollar that Kawhi follows this trend. The real bet is whether or not he can watch 1,000 episodes of One Piece before he’s fully recovered.

National Hockey League

Hot Game: Pittsburgh at Boston (3.1)

Penguins: 1/2

Bruins: 5/3

MO: Pittsburgh may be the only thing standing in the way of a Vegas-Tampa Bay Stanley Cup Final. If that happens I’ll drink either Bushmill’s or motor oil (whichever I determine is worse) so I’m putting my money on Crosby as a show of good faith. 

Hot Game: Toronto at Washington (3.3)

Capitals: 3/2

Maple Leafs: 3/1

MO: This one is pretty interesting. It’s an outdoor game (both teams are 2-0 in open air) and the matchup in general only slightly favors the Capitals. They have better offense (even if you exclude the Big Red Monster) but Toronto has slightly better defense and goaltending. Auston Matthews will definitely come to play, but I don’t think The Leafs defense can hold off Oshie , Backstrom AND Ovechkin.

Miscellaneous

Who will be the next Russian busted for doping?

Vitor Drago: 1/6

Timofey Mozgov: 3/2

Evgenia Medvedeva: 5/1

Illya Kovalchuk: 10/1

Ivan Edeshko: 12/1

Victor Cole: 25/1

Ivan Koloff: 50/1

MO: I know it’s a small payoff, but Drago is absolutely doping. We have visual evidence of his dad juicing before getting into the ring, and as they say the Smirnoff doesn’t fall far from the Yakov.

Which mode of transportation will get me home fastest?

The 37 bus to Clark: 2/1

The 65 bus to 35th Street: 3/1

The red line subway (southbound): 5/1

The 102 to Clyborne :7/1

An Uber: 8/1

A Lyft: 8/1

A city cab: 8/1

Hitchhiking: 10/1

Calling my wife Sara and asking her to pick me up: 100/1

MO: Hey it’s a slow period in sports OK? The bus options are all appealing but the chances of getting mugged and/or pissed on are only slightly higher than using an Uber. I’ll have plenty of nights to conduct research so I’ll update you with the winner next publication. My money’s on Lyft for now. And by the way, I would never think of bothering my beautiful, loving, faithful wife, Sara, with such a menial plea for help.

Studs & Duds

Norway brought home the most medals at the Olympics by a comfortable margin. The Padres signed Eric Hosmer last week, which is great for my numbers but terrible for his. 

Darrell “Bubba” Wallace Jr. finished 2nd at the Daytona 500, which is great because my bet was for him to place. However he finished in 34th last Sunday at Atlanta, so he’s demoted from “favorite driver” to “the only one I’ve bothered to remember.” The Northern Water Tribe practically no-showed the Olympics from a medal count perspective, and Lonzo Ball didn’t win the dunk competition at the All-Star game. Thanks to them, Sara took back my checkbook privileges. 

Harness Racing Hot Tips

Thank God the Harness Ones are around to keep me going until baseball starts in earnest. 23–year–old phenom Drew Monti notched his 1,000th win at Buffalo raceway on February 24th. This kid has literally put the clothes on my back and I love him for it. Western Joe notched another big win and Rubber Duck claimed the Yonkers open handicap. Rose Run Parker had a dominating 6-1/2 length victory at the Meadows feature Saturday, so he has my attention now. Per the numbers, Killer Martini has netted $50K in winnings so far this year, second among pacers. I hope the cash keeps flowing like the drinks!