Happy holidays, everyone! We have the perfect gift suggestions for those hard-to-shop for friends and family, no matter whether you celebrate Christmas, Kwanzaa, or Hanukkah! Oh, wait, fuck, we missed that last one. Are Purim presents a thing? Anyway, here’s some stuff to consume to take your mind off the rapidly deteriorating geopolitical climate:

  • A tie
  • A scrapbook
  • A gift to a cause the giftee cares about
  • A gift to a cause the giftee doesn’t care about
  • A gift to a cause the giftee actively abhors
  • A new car
  • An old car with a bow on it
  • Their current car, now minus the tires
  • Unrelated, tires!
  • A laptop
  • A lapbottom
  • A lap power-bottom
  • A Ring of Power
  • Google Home
  • A sound-proof box in which to store the Google Home to keep it from listening, always listening, listening forever
  • Jewelry
  • Christianelry
  • Muslimelry
  • Socks
  • Candy
  • Tax cuts!
  • Drugs (legal)
  • Drugs (illegal)
  • Drugs (legality TBD)
  • Scented candles
  • An Epi-Pen in case the giftee is allergic to scented candles
  • More candy
  • A puppy
  • A guppy
  • A yuppie?
  • A rhyming dictionary
  • A blank verse dictionary
  • More
  • Less, which is also More
  • Someone who has everything
  • One of those new things. You know, the nice ones.
  • A Teddy bear that’s definitely not a Bluetooth™ enabled nanny-cam
  • So much candy that it’s borderline inconsiderate
  • Insulin
  • A nice coffee table book of nature photographs
  • A nice coffee table book of grisly crime-scene photographs
  • The sweet release of death
  • Gift cards