LOS ANGELES- In a surprising yet welcome move, actress Linda Blair has been offered up as a host for the 2019 Academy Awards. Blair, best known for her portrayal of the possessed Regan MacNiel in 1973’s The Exorcist, is expected to serve as an “adequate vessel, er, host, of this year’s ceremony,” according to a spokesperson for the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.
Given her previous experience hosting the demon Pazuzu, along with a legion of others, Miss Blair has a clear knack for crowd control. Add to this her proficiency in contortionism, fluency in multiple tongues (including French, Arabic, and Latin), and impressive feats of ventriloquism, the audience is guaranteed quite a show! “I just hope she does that trick where she makes furniture move by itself,” said director and Academy member William Friedkin. “I always thought that was the coolest thing!”
After Kevin Hart withdrew from hosting over controversial comments he’d made on Twitter in years past, a veritable scramble to find a new host body ensued. “The Awards must have a host,” said Academy President John Bailey. “It’s a challenging, exhausting, and thankless task, but it must be done. For peace, prosperity, and the greater good, the Awards must be placated with a ceremonial host. The Awards. Must. Be Placated.”
Miss Blair, whose more recent credits include appearances on RuPaul’s Drag Race, is excited to step into the spotlight again. “My sacrifice will ensure that movies remain prosperous and of high-quality,” she said confidently. The last time the Awards had no host was in 1989, a notably weak year for cinema. Hoping to prevent the same blight this year, Miss Blair has certainly stepped up. “Though,” she said, glancing over the list of nominees, “I may be too late.”