SIDEBAR — The enmity and muckraking between the baby boomer generation and their millennial offspring has paused. Until yesterday, the tech-addicted, wishy-washy, humorless, cheapskate, business-killing, lazy, entitled, narcissist millennial generation had traded searing op-eds with their stubborn, ignorant, economy-ruining, racist, intolerant, perspectiveless, Applebees-loving, tech-illiterate elders. Now they have a common enemy: Generation Z.
Born as early as 1996, Generation Z has wasted little time drawing the ire of parents and grandparents alike. “All they do is eat laundry detergent and get shot,” complained Wesley Huntington, age 68 . “At least when we were kids we got high on perfectly normal jazz lettuce and had the courtesy to get murdered in Vietnam instead of America.”
“They’re a bunch of babies,” agreed Morgan Bates, age 27. “I showed my 8-year-old cousin a dictionary and he had the nerve to point out that Merriam-Webster Online is significantly more efficient. Maybe it is, but he should still have to learn to use a book, just like I hated doing!”
Despite a lack of employment trends and voting records among the predominantly teenage Z’s, the boomers and millenials quickly agreed that the whole generation consisted of nothing but cyberbullies, culture thieves, and bags of literal trash. “Each generation gets worse and worse,” opined Shirley Thompson, the 97 year old bannerwomen for the Greatest Generation. “This new one is just as opinionated, self-serving and thirsty for independence from their parents as all the ones before. On the bright side, with the way things are going, this generation will be the last one.”
UPDATE: Generation X, true to form, declined to comment on these recent developments.