Validating Browns fans who didn’t believe he was living up to his potential, Cleveland’s General Manager John Dorsey faced an unpleasant revelation Wednesday morning. When reporters asked if the team had finalized its choice for tomorrow’s first draft pick, Dorsey’s hands flew up to clutch at his face. “That’s due tomorrow?” he exclaimed through his fingers. “Ohhh SHIT!”

The Browns received the first pick after a perfectly defeated season, and the outburst upended weeks of league-wide draft speculation. Dorsey had previously stated the organization was “totally making good progress” and “definitely, like, 90 percent done” evaluating prospects. With so many pressing needs on the roster, most assumed the vague statements indicated broad coverage rather than gross time mismanagement.

Dorsey’s panic deepened as other avenues proved fruitless. Despite his claims that the Browns had “tons of great notes” to share if other teams would just let him take a look at theirs, no one was willing to exchange information. Dismayed, the Browns turned to NFL Commissioner Goodell on Twitter:

When pressed on his response, Goodell issued a resigned sigh. “I’ve got 31 other teams who follow the rules and just want to play football. I can’t make an exception at their expense,” he explained.

Left with no other recourse, the Browns are preparing to deal with the fallout. Dorsey ran out for energy drinks and is planning an all-nighter to watch ESPN college highlight reels. Browns Coach Hue Jackson will begrudgingly schedule the requested coach-commissioner conference and he vows to hold Goodell accountable.  “I don’t think he’s been doing enough to motivate Dorsey,” Jackson declared. He further asserted that the NFL itself was at fault for the situation. “In this day and age, I’m shocked we still play in a league that doesn’t have an autodraft feature.” Hearing this, Goodell shook his head in disbelief. “That team’s never going to amount to anything,” he confided.