1. The flowers artfully placed among these eggs aren’t fooling anyone. These eggs are white as a sheet and a travesty to the pastel aesthetic of the Easter season. If anything, those red primroses are insulting to our intelligence as a sorry attempt to cover up the moral bankruptcy of the colorless eggs. Does the War on Easter have no shame?


2. Some people say that brown shells indicate a healthier and more natural egg, but we both know that’s bullshit. More importantly, brown is not even close to an Easter color, unless it’s the milky burnt umber of chocolate delivered by the Easter Bunny in his delightful green overalls. But chocolate eggs these ain’t, folks! Just more unadorned eggs foisted on us by the culturally oppressive War on Easter lobby. Weep for America.


3. Really, this is just moronic. What even is this? That joyless egg is just sitting alone in a little egg-shaped stand. If the Easter-hating set is going to attack our holidays, they can at least do it with a little dignity. (Note to self though, a pedestal for our bedazzled Easter eggs actually isn’t a bad idea!)


4. These eggs are still sitting in their carton. How are you supposed to wish anyone a Rainbowlicious Easter if your eggs are still in the damn packaging? Ugh, we know, these days you’re supposed to say, “Have a neutral-toned conclusion to the weekend.” Bunners, what is happening to this country.


5. It’s tragic to see America’s youth coopted by the War on Easter lobby, but frankly we don’t care for the hungry look of this dead-eyed Stanley Kubrick child. Stop smelling that egg, small girl. Eggs are not for eating, they are for painting and admiring reverently from afar!


6. Wait, what are they planning to do to those eggs? Those are the utilitarian tools of the lowly baker, not the joyfully expressive accoutrements of the exalted Easter egg artist…


7. No! No, no, oh God, oh no.


8. Some degenerate actually drew a craven image of a stupid colorless flower on this shattered eggshell. Is it not enough that they cut down this egg in the prime of its youth, before it even saw its first drop of food coloring? They had to desecrate its corpse, too? They mock us! Why not just spit on the Easter Bunny himself!?! …Sorry. One should not say such things, even in anger. Bunbun protect us.


9. We had to add one more picture to end on a hopeful note after some therapeutic egg dyeing. Look, we even got some of those little thrones for our eggs, resplendent in their primary colors. Don’t let the War on Easter get you down, reader. As long as we keep the old ways alive and paint our eggs and engorge ourselves on candy, the true spirit of the holiday will be there in our hearts. Have a Rainbowlicious Easter, everyone!