March Madness is sweeping through schools and workplaces across the United States at an unprecedented pace. Tens of millions have already reported minor symptoms, including muscle tension, sweating, and nausea. More severe symptoms range from skin discoloration to uncontrollable, repetitive vocalizations. There is no vaccine for Madness, and treatment for some cases may take up to three weeks.
As the outbreak shows no sign of abating, the Center for Disease Control repeated recommendations from years past. “If you exhibit symptoms, stay home if you can,” urged Daniel Sosin, acting Director of the Office of Public Health Preparedness and Response. Despite the advice, the rapid spread is still straining local resources. A significant portion of the afflicted population does not have streaming access to remain couch-ridden at home, so sports bars remain overcrowded and staff are working double shifts.
Because this year’s Madness is especially contagious, it is appearing even within historically immune populations. People who “aren’t that interested in sports” have reported filling out brackets. “I’m not really surprised, though,” Sosin acknowledged when explaining how minimal exposure was sufficient to spread Madness. “The field is so competitive this year; there are going to be some exciting games!” he exclaimed as lines of blue and maize broke out across his face. “Oh god…save yourselves! GO WOLVERINES!”