NEW YORK—Markets reeled this week after a prominent American building and construction tycoon unilaterally declared that what a pro-growth domestic economy needs most is more expensive steel. “You want infrastructure? Well, nobody knows more about infrastructure than me, baby,” said the titan of industry, in a statement to reporters gathered in the plaza at 56th Street and 5th Avenue. “To get infrastructure built, you’ve got to make the builders pay a shitload of money for the necessary materials. It’s a tough business—I know, believe me, four times—so even better if you can get the taxpayers to pick up the tab,” he continued semicoherently.
While some board members resigned in protest, most heartily agreed that this would be a surefire way to demonstrate a bottom-line increase in infrastructure spending to shareholders. According to inside sources, once the naysayers were out of the room the board was unanimous in its support for the Chairman’s assessment that the best way to combat a global glut of steel supply coming exclusively from China would be to severely restrict imports from all friendly countries and raise prices for American businesses.
A quarterly report released to shareholders further concurred that nothing boosts construction and industry like being forced to buy from domestic producers who mine iron ore at more than $90 per ton more than foreign suppliers. The report quotes the master builder expanding on this point: “And these guys—the guys running the mines—I know these guys, they’re great guys, real salt of the Earth guys—that’s some mining humor for ya.”
At press time, shareholders were just beginning to grasp the meaning of a footnote buried halfway through the report that reads, “And hey, do you like drinking beer from a can? Fuck you. We’re making aluminum more expensive, too.”
I want to laugh. I really do. Because if I don’t this aluminum soda can is going straight through my office window (that takes a [redacted] ton of effort)