WATCHTOWER (Sidebar) – It was announced today that Superman will be taking time away from leading the Justice League after several female heroes brought forth allegations of sexual harassment.
The news is yet another blow to an American public that has already seen several prominent and beloved figures turn out to be vile scumbags.
“It was never about attraction,” said Wonder Woman as she addressed the press this morning. “It was about power. Superman has always been far too powerful for his own good, or the good of anyone else in the League.”
Allegations were brought forth by Black Canary and Element Girl, two former League interns. “You could always feel that X-Ray vision,” said Black Canary. “Always.”
When asked for comment, Superman cryptically responded: “Whatever happened to truth, justice, and the American Way?” Pundits point to this as an idealization of the pre-feminist movement 1950’s, when such behavior was rarely, if ever, reported.
Wonder Woman has taken over as interim leader of the team. Her first act was to defend fellow Leaguer (and notorious playboy) Batman from rumors of similar activity.
“Batman has always acted professionally with us and with his female villains. Yes, he put Harley Quinn in traction last week, but it was to defend Gotham. He never put his hands on her for any reason other than to violently subdue her.” Batman could not be reached for comment.
“[Superman’s departure] doesn’t surprise me,” said superhero (and notorious playboy) Iron Man. “This sort of thing would never happen in the Avengers. That League has fallen on hard times financially and now they’re ripping themselves apart.” Intoxicated, Iron Man passed out before a reporter could explain that he’d missed the point entirely.
Lois Lane-Kent was unavailable for comment.
Time will tell if allegations against other League members will surface. Las Vegas oddsmakers consider it likely, giving the highest probability to minor Leaguers (and notorious playboys) The Flash, Nightwing, and Plastic Man.
UPDATE: Thor of the Avengers has been accused of sexual misconduct by Black Widow. Sources reveal that he privately told her, “Only the worthy can lift Thor’s hammer.” The hammer, sources clarified, was his penis.