Electronics giant Samsung announced today that it has developed a phone battery that can go from no charge to conflagration in mere minutes. This is a huge leap forward from traditional Samsung batteries, which had taken over an hour to achieve total inferno. The addition of a thin layer of kerosene to the battery means that it can ignite at lower temperatures than ever before.
“We are very excited about this breakthrough,” said Park Jin-Woo, Samsung Marketing Director. “We hope this restores consumer faith in our dominance of the flammable phone market.” The company is capable of cheaply mass producing the new incendiary battery, and hopes to have it in all devices by early 2019. “It’s so versatile,” continues Park. “No other smartphone on the market can act as a hand warmer, fire starter, or grenade. The possibilities are practically endless!”
In response, Apple released a statement saying “What? Why would you want this?” Meanwhile, the FAA is prohibiting any Samsung device from any flight or airport, classifying them as “napalm.”