As flu season approaches, here are some helpful tips to avoid getting sick and to get better fast!

  • Drink plenty of fluids.
  • Wash your hands frequently.
  • Take a multivitamin.
  • Take another multivitamin.
  • Flood your body with vitamins.
  • Bathe in vitamins.
  • Get vitamin implants.
  • Seek out the one known as Vita-Man.
  • Make love to the Vita-Man. Absorb his vital essence. Feel it coursing through you.
  • Slaughter the Vita-Man and eat his beating heart to gain his powers.
  • Bathe in the blood of the Vita-Man.
  • Sleep in the hollowed carcass of the Vita-Man to stay warm.
  • Wear the Vita-Man’s skin to protect you from things unclean.
  • Avoid doctors’ offices, as they are riddled with the infected.
  • Have some chicken soup.
  • Make soup with Chicken Soup for the Soul books.
  • Eat the books.
  • Make a circle of salt around yourself and remain within it until Spring.
  • Never go to the bathroom.
  • Avoid doorknobs.
  • Touch nothing unless it is through a protective layer of the Vita-Man’s skin.
  • Hover a foot off the ground at all times.
  • Take your temperature, if you are feeling ill.
  • Take someone else’s temperature and keep it as your own.
  • Contract smallpox; make it fight the flu.
  • Remember that fire is purifying. Burn all your clothes.
  • Keep your mouth clean: do not curse.
  • Get a flu shot.
  • After shooting the flu, mount on your wall as a trophy and a warning to other flus.
  • Take shots of flu daily — chase with lime.
  • Drink plenty of orange juice.
  • Drown yourself in orange juice, as the end inevitably comes for us all and it is better to die by your own hand than at the mercy of an ever-mutating virus evolutionarily designed to lay bare the hubris of humanity.
  • Crush Vitamin C supplements and snort them at your desk. When colleagues ask you to stop, shout helpfully that you need them to live.
  • If anyone challenges your behavior, hiss at them, as they are unclean and it is they who have the “problem.”
  • Don’t forget to get plenty of rest!