Hello, shitty man- and woman-children! Dr. Science here to explain why that giant swirling mass of douche known as Hurricane Harvey Irma was such a God-damned prick to Texas Antigua, Barbuda, Puerto Rico, Cuba, and Florida. First, those island nations have done nothing to us (recently; be quiet, Cuba). Second, I know we’ve all wanted to take a dump on Texas send Florida out to sea. But dude lady, seriously? 20 trillion gallons sustained 185 mile per hour winds is a bit much. I know they put Ted Cruz in the Senate released Carrot Top on an unsuspecting nation, but they also gave us Willie Nelson, Walter Cronkite, Carol Burnette, and Buddy Holly Maya Rudolph, Sydney Poitier, and Zora Neale Hurston. That’s got to count for something, right?

So, what a hurricane needs to turn from a storm to 300 miles of “you’re fucked” is unclear. But we know that two things are necessary: a shitload of warm water, and winds that can’t be arsed to change direction. Once the hurricane is formed, it has three main ways of becoming a castrafuck. One is the force of the wind, the second is the flooding from rain, and the third is a storm surge (the giant wave of oh shit that’s pushed to shore when the hurricane hits land).

Some pussies say now isn’t the time to discuss if climate change played a role in Harvey’s Irma’s dick-shriveling fearitude. It’s fine, I can wait.

Okay, now seems good. Did climate change make Harvey Irma such a cunt? The least wrong thing to say is “we think so.” The humidity in the air was 6% higher than at the comparable time in 1980, which is directly linked to warmer air. Keeping up, jackasses? Ok, the other thing that’s undeniable is that the ocean levels are higher due to climate change. It’s actually not all from melting ice; warmer water is less dense, so it takes up more space. So the ocean, which is normally a lazy bitch not getting out of its sea bed, has less far to go to be pushed onto land.

Basically, something as pants-shittingly terrifying as Harvey Irma could have happened 50 years ago (you know, when America was Great ifyouwherewhiteandpreferrablymale). But the effects of climate change made it more likely for the worst-case scenario to happen.

No, you straw-haired uberbitch, it STILL wasn’t the gays.