Damn, you’re getting old. Is it really the New Year already? Didn’t we just do this? If you’re still mourning the losses of 2016 and licking your wounds from 2017, that’s too damn bad because the world just don’t give a fuck. Like it or not, we’re blasting into 2018 at 30 km/sec and its time to get your resolutions in order. Sure, you could just try last year’s again, (and maybe you should, because honestly, that beer belly’s not going anywhere on its own), but we believe fresh ideas are the best way to make those changes your life so desperately needs. So now that the ball’s dropped, act like yours have too and set some goals for the New Year. Here are some of our favorite ideas gleaned from the Sidebar’s panel of infinite monkeys banging away on infinite typewriters:

  • Take time for “me” time
  • Go to a gym, exercise more
  • Go to a church, exorcise more
  • Try a juice cleanse (and remember, fire is cleansing)
  • Get that flu shot already
  • Take a selfie with a carnie
  • Show them
  • Show them all
  • Acquire a cool epithet
  • Shake off last year’s uncool epithet
  • Keep informed, read the news
  • The news sucks, read fake news
  • Finish Infinite Jest so you can stop lying about having read it
  • Rebuild your Rube Goldberg machine with a second Rube Goldberg machine
  • Appropriate a foreign culture
  • Learn to let go by befriending a soulful animal on the verge of death
  • Start a hobby
  • Keep it secret, keep it safe
  • Catch these hands
  • Become the first person in your family to take entirely for granted the hard-earned blessings of your immigrant forebears and settle into an utterly insignificant life of quiet disappointment
  • End workplace sexual harassment Cut back on sexual harassment
  • Discern the recent tax legislation’s impact on you, then use your newfound knowledge to defraud the IRS
  • Enter and win a tontine
  • Best the Devil in a fiddling contest
  • Floss